The Benefits of Baldness

Now that the hair on my head looks like a monchichi's (see picture), I fondly recall the months when I had no hair.  Yes, I'm glad my hair is growing back, but there are some advantages to being bald.  For instance:

1.  No bed head in the morning.
2.  Easier to check for ticks.
3.  Shorter showers.
4.  Save on expense of shampoo and conditioner.
5.  Hair not constantly falling into face.
6.  Hair does not clog drains.
7.  Loose hair not forming into a small animal on bathroom floor.
8.  Hair not falling into food.
9.  Hair not getting into mouth when eating.
10. Hair doesn't fly uncontrollably and get tangled when riding in a Jeep.
11. Rubbing the bald head.  Love the feel.
12. Great conversation starter.
13. People are really nice to a bald lady.
14. You are easily recognized.
15. Makes you concentrate on things other than appearance.
16. Save on expense of a shampoo and cut.
17. Hair isn't messed up after a massage.
18. Hair isn't messed up after working out.
19. Allows you to share your story.

And most importantly...

20. You can inspire and empower others.

(sigh)

As I Lay Radiating

Lying perfectly still on the radiation table, arms above my head, only moving my eyes, I watch as the big metal machine encompassing the source of the radiation rotates around my body.  I hear the monotonous “ehhhhhh”, indicating the radiation is currently being beamed at my chest.  My eyes examine the clear glass from which the beam emits, and I see nothing.  The only indication of the treatment occurring is that monotonous “ehhhhh”. 

Many thoughts quickly run through my head.  The first being how aggravating it is that when you can’t move, an annoying itch surfaces.  So, before the itch can drive me crazy, my mind quickly has a rescuing thought. How do I know the radiation is working if I can’t see it?  More so, how do I even know the radiation exists if I can’t see it?  No sooner is that thought in my mind then I hear the answering whisper “You don’t see me, yet you believe I exist.”

“Humm, interesting point God.”

As the machine continues to rotate and buzz I process the comparison between God and radiation. The glaring similarity is that they are both invisible to the naked eye. We cannot see God, but we are asked to trust and have faith in his existence.  Just like Dr. Brown asks me to have faith that the radiation beam is truly there though invisible.

They both are healing agents.  The doctor promises the radiation will heal my tissues by destroying any leftover cancer.  God promises to bring me spiritual healing, to free me from the deception of this cancerous world we live in.  So while I cannot see either of these medicinal beams, I have to trust they are making me healthier.

As the machine finishes its rotation, my comparison rolls on evaluating the efficacy of the promises made by both God and Dr. Brown.  The answer lies in the results.  God promised to make me a new creation by having faith in him (2 Corinthians 5:17).  I know that to be true in my heart.  I am a different person today than I was 13 years ago.  My heart wants to obey God, my heart understands the wisdom and truth of his words.  I can confidently claim those spiritual changes did not come from my rebellious, willful, and selfish heart.  They are the result of God’s healing promise.  Just as redness and “sunburn” will be my physical marker to indicate the radiation is healing my tissue. 

The heavy lead door opens and the technicians step into the room.  I am free to move.  And I sigh a contented sigh as I think how cool is my God.  His love is like an invisible beam of radiation pointed at our hearts, designed to heal what our world has broken. 

Reflections on My Last Chemo

My sister Denise, me, Mom and Dad

Monday was my last chemo treatment.  It was a bit bittersweet.  The staff at Northwest Georgia Oncology are wonderful and I will miss my three-week rotation scheule with them.  I will also miss the time of reflection with God the week after treatment.  But I am extremely happy that chemo is over and I can move on to the next phase of recovery.  God certainly blessed me during my treatments.  The side effects were not pleasant, but I found them to be manageable.  I know that not all patients are that lucky so I feel very fortunate. 

My sister Denise and my parents George and Revaughn traveled down from North Carolina to be with me.  It was nice to have them here and share in the experience.  Maria was the first nurse that handled my chemo infusion and I was excited to have her care for me at my last session.  Maria's personality turned the session into a fun and happy experience.

So in the spirit of continuing to find joy in my cancer, I am on the quest to find someone to henna up my head.  So if you know of someone who does henna tattoos, please let me know:)

Nurse Maria and me

Going Beyond Mere Belief

Disclaimer:  Chemo-brain is getting me today and I cannot attest to proper spelling or grammar.  Please forgive mistakes:)

One of my goals during this time of recovery has been to dig deeper into discovering who God is and what it means to be in a relationship with him.  For some time my heart has been burdened with the thought that there is more to my relationship with God and Christ than to just say I believe. After all even the demons believe in God (James 2:19).  But they are still demons so their belief does not positively change their lives or bring them closer to God.  So does my relationship with God stop at my belief or is there more?  Don't get me wrong, salvation comes from our faith in Christ being the risen son of God that died for the forgiveness of our sins, but does God have something bigger and better in store for us if we go beyond just believing?

I have been on a request to go beyond the mere verbal commitment to believe that Christ is who is says he is, that he died and rose for the forgiveness of my sins, and that if I have faith in this I am saved.  I don't want to just stop there, because just stopping with that verbal commitment gets me no closer to experiencing God on a personal level, and I believe that we can experience God on a personal level.  I believe that God wants to come down and be actively present in our lives if we make the place for him. But if I live my life in just that statement that "I believe" and leave it there, it is just a statement like I believe if I eat better I will be healthier; I believe if I exercise more I will be stronger; I believe if I reach out more to my friends I will have better more authentic relationships.  I can believe all I want but does mere belief move me closer to what I want?

Or is something more required of me?  After making a commitment to believe in God, what is the next step?  Obviously we are to obey God's commands.  But what are his commands and can we prioritize them? Jesus makes it pretty easy for us when he answered the question when it was posed to him and he responded :  Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment. ³⁹ And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. ⁴⁰ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments. (Matthew 22:37-40).

So at the heart of it is LOVE.  God values LOVE.  God love us.  God wants us to LOVE him.  So that was my challenge, how can I love and grow closer to God?

For me that verse called the Greatest Commandment was a good starting point along with verses about facing trials with joy (James 1), and giving all my worries to God (Philippians 4:6-7).  But my soul is thirsty for a greater understanding of living a holy life pleasing to God.  So I went in search of those seeking the same.  What I found were some authors whose hearts desired to know God.  Two of them are old school, but oh so relevant to today.  I wanted to share those readings with you in case you too are thirsty for more of God and a greater relationship with him.

A.W. Tozer:  The Pursuit of God:  The Human Thirst for the Divine
Now this book was written around 1948, but it speaks just as clearly today.  Tozer writes beautifully poetic and gripping truth about the state of human nature, the human heart and the hard work we need to do in our lives if we want to draw closer to God. He ends each chapter in a heartfelt prayer that we can use again and again in our quest to know God.  Tozer makes it clear that that God has a personality and we can know his personality and personally experience God working in our lives. And this is exactly what God himself wants, for us to desire to know him and to be in relationship with us.  But to get there we have hard work to do on ourselves.  While God gives us faith and helps us in our journey toward him, we have to do the hard work in recognizing, confessing, and sacrificing to God our self-sins like pride, self-ambition, self-pity, self-confidence, self-sufficiency, self-admiration, self-love, just to name a few.  I have read this book twice and I am sure it will read it again and again.  In fact I have just downloaded another of his books to read called the Mystery of the Holy Spirit.  I am looking forward to reading this book because in The Pursuit of God, Tozer comments on how the holy spirit is the one we should call out to for strength when we are facing trials because the Holy Spirit is within us and waiting and wanting to be of assistance.

Andrew Murray - Humility: The Beauty of Holiness
Andrew Murray wrote in the late 1800s, but like Tozer his message is just as relevant today.  Jesus taught a lot about humility and how it is a key to living a life like Christ's and growing closer to God. He underscores how humility is the opposite of pride, which is a big stumbling block in our lives.  After reading this book, I was able to identify pride and other self sins more clearly in my life and understand how they interfere in my relationship with God.  Now that I can see them, I can be proactive in confessing those sins and asking for help in removing their grip from my life.

Based upon this book, I downloaded Murray's The True Vine:  Meditations for a Month on John 15:1-16.  It is essentially a verse by verse break down of the parable including what it means to abide in Christ and the benefits of God's discipline.  I love it.

Ann Voskamp - One Thousand Gifts:  A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are
I have mentioned this book before.  Ann can be difficult to read because she is so poetic, but at the heart of her book, she shares that to find true connection with God, to experience all he has in store for us, we need to be able to give thanks to God for everything, even the bad things that happen in our life.  It think it is a great read for someone questioning God about the pain in their life, or why God is not following their plan.  Taking a position of thanksgiving for my trials has given me a positive attitude, reduced my stress, and brought me closer to God. 

I share all this informaiton because I am so excited about what God is revealing to me and I want my friends and family to experience the same.

All of these books can be found as Nook ebooks.  It has also been my experience that Family Christian Book Store and Books-A-Million have a great collection of Christian books.

Blessings to you all.  Let me know if you read any of the books. I would love to hear your feedback.

Finding Joy At Bus Stop Barber Shop

On Tuesday morning, I did something I have never done before.  I went to a barber shop for a shave.  However, upon taking the chair I learned a shave technically meant foam and a straight razor, so before Mr. Sutton could whip out the blade, I clarified my desire for a buzz with the electric razor.  Regardless of the type of haircut, I experienced something most women aren’t fortunate enough to experience, a “shave” in an old fashioned barber shop, complete with the pump up chair and the personable local barber.

I like new experiences especially when facing something potentially unpleasant. I would rather think about it as something I’ve never gotten to do before. 

Take for instance, chemotherapy.  Normally, one would not think of it as a pleasant experience.  But ever since Natalie Portman rocked a shaved head, I wondered what I would look like bald.  Now I wasn’t going to go out and shave my head for the heck of it.  I mean Natalie got millions of dollars to do it for a movie (same with Demi Moore and Sigourney Weaver).  But, with chemotherapy on my plate, daring to be bald became an exciting possibility.  When would I do it, how would I do it were thoughts that occupied my time.  I wanted to make it fun for me and I wanted others to share in the event.  Originally the hope was to be able to shave it all off at Young Life club, but my hair didn’t want to cooperate as it began to fall out the week we didn’t have club.  So a group of incredibly supportive friends met me at Studio Carpe Diem and watched as Jamie Theisen sculpted several extremely 80s punk rock styles before ultimately shaving all my hair off.

Joy.  Joy is the only word I can find to describe how I felt watching the last strip of hair disappear.  A year before I would have been petrified to not have any hair.  But a diagnosis of cancer changes a lot.  Cancer I could not control.  How I responded to cancer I could control.  Same goes for joy.  We control whether or not we have joy in our lives.  Ann Voskampf writes in her book One Thousand Gifts:  A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are, “Only self can kill joy.” 

No one on earth can give us joy.  It is something that comes from within, and something that God blesses on those who put their faith in his hands.  We can choose to rob ourselves of joy by responding negatively, by being anxious, by being angry, by being bitter, by being anything adverse to our happiness.  All those negative emotions sink us into darkness. Or we can choose to find joy in our situations, even in the adversity. 

How can I learn what God has to teach me in this cancer if I shut myself off in darkness?  By looking for the joy in this situation, God can reach me.  “..For I can’t be receptive to God unless I receive what He gives.”  (Ann Voskampf, One Thousand Gifts)  Willingness to openly embrace the bad along with the good in life can be a tough pill to swallow.  But God knows what is going to happen in our lives.  My cancer was not a surprise to him.  I have to trust him that there is something good in here for me.  As James tells us, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers (and sisters), whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” [James 1:2-4]

I don't want to be lacking in anything, therefore, I will choose to find the joy in my cancer. So next time I visit Bus Stop Barber Shop, maybe I will have another new experience and choose the foam and straight blade.

Letting Go of Pride

Being single for so long, I had gotten so used to taking care of myself. Never wanted to be a burden to anyone, never wanted to ask for help. I'd rather wrestle my artificial Christmas tree back into its small canvas bag all by myself. That would be one reason my tree never made it back to the closet after Xmas 2010 and why it is still standing in all its decorated beauty right now. That, and I just love the company of the lighted tree.

So after my diagnosis, with family away in North Carolina and Tennessee, I felt the urge to handle the treatment all on my own.

But two people opened my eyes to accepting help.

One was Cabell Sweeney who spoke at the Young Life leaders weekend retreat at SharpTop Cove in January. Cabell shared how she and her husband Mike had to learn to say yes when people wanted to offer help after Mike was diagnosed with cancer.  Listening to Cabell, I realized it was not a sign of weakness to accept help from others.  So that pride in me saying I could do it all on my own started to lessen its hold.  I had wanted to talk to Cabell that weekend and ask more questions, but ironically some pride still remained and kept me quiet. 

Fortunately God had other plans and I had the chance a few weeks later, back at SharpTop Cove on our weekend retreat with the high school kids.  God kept putting Cabell right in front of me all weekend long and my big old pride wouldn’t let me say anything.  So at the very end of the weekend, as we were cleaning our cabin, I walked in to find her showing our cabin how to properly fold the bunk bed blankets  (don’t ask, it’s a Young Life thingJ).  Yet again I had to laugh at God because he was not going to let me leave that weekend without talking to Cabell and telling her how much her talk helped to open my heart to the service of others.  I was blessed to have that time with her.

The other kick in the pants came from my boss Garry.  He is normally kicking me in the pants for a work related offense, but this time, he humbled me by lecturing me on allowing others to give the gift of service.  He reminded me that God calls us to serve others, and by trying to handle it all on my own, I was denying my friends the opportunity to follow God’s call.  So, in turn he said, I would be giving a gift to others if I allowed them to serve me.  Wow.  What an amazing twist in how to look at service. 

And it made me think, when we serve others Christ looks at it as if we are serving him.  One of my favorite passages is Matthew 25:35-36:

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Thanks to all who have loved on me during this time and those who have opened my heart to accepting the love.

God Gives the Unexpected

I was sitting in my car outside the surgeon's office on October 27, 2011. The nurse had just told me I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not quite sure if my reaction was normal. In fact while in the office, only three thoughts brought me to tears:

1. Will I still be able to go on my mission trip to Cambodia next week?
2. Will this interfere with my going on the Young Life Pioneer Plunge weekend with the Sequoyah High School kids?
3. How will I tell my parents?

Once in my car I did allow myself a 10 minute cry as I called my friend Michele and my sister Denise.
But after that cry, God reminded me of a pray I had been praying for some time. My only reponse was to laugh at him, not a disrespectful laugh, but a laugh of one who realizes they got just what they asked for. You see I had been praying for some time for God to bring something in my life to bring me closer to him. Something that would make me understand better his great love for me, Jesus's love for me. I have never really felt broken. In fact my life I would say has been easy. The hardest struggle would be that while I imagined by myself married and with kids by 28, I am now 43 and never been married. Not an overly traumatic life.
But I felt I needed something to make me more dependent on God. So sitting in my car, I laughed at myself as I realized my prayer had been answered.
I had tons of unanswered questions about his new diagnosis. How large was the cancer? Had it spread? Would I have the genetic markers for breast cancer? Would my breast be spared? Would I need chemotherapy? Would I die from cancer like my friends Karen and Celeste? Being the fourth girl from my law school group of friends to be diagnosed with cancer (three breast cancers), was sobering. Not to mention my uncle had just passed away from cancer. It seemed everytime I turned around I was meeting someone who had been diagnosed. It was like God had been planting in my heart before the diagnosis that cancer is out there, it is a possibility.
So as these thoughts went through my head, God brought to mind one of my favorite verses:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
I have added italics to this verse. Key parts that I focus on, that God has proven true to me over the years. So in my car, I promised God that I would let him worry about all those things. He knew I would get cancer, he knows the end result, he knows what will happen every step of the way. He had planned it out, so I decided to not be anxious but to give my worry over to him (not that he is worried in the least). It is more of an act of obedience on my behalf to say to him that I trust him in this cancer. I trust him to see me through.
Thanksgiving. I thanked God for my cancer and this opportunity to focus on my relationship with him and to trust him fully in all the details. And after that I just laid out all my requests to him. Requests to protect my body, to protect my parents, and my family's hearts during this time.
The amazing thing about God is that he can deliver that peace that transcends all understanding to guard our hearts and our minds if we allow him into our situation, if we can just give it up to him. I am at peace with my diagnosis. That is not from me. I am having fun with my treatments. That is not from me. I found joy in shaving my head. That was not from me. That is all God working through me, loving me, supporting me, keeping me strong. It is nice to know that none of it comes from me.
It is nice to know that God gives what he promises when the unexpected happens.