Letting Go of Pride

Being single for so long, I had gotten so used to taking care of myself. Never wanted to be a burden to anyone, never wanted to ask for help. I'd rather wrestle my artificial Christmas tree back into its small canvas bag all by myself. That would be one reason my tree never made it back to the closet after Xmas 2010 and why it is still standing in all its decorated beauty right now. That, and I just love the company of the lighted tree.

So after my diagnosis, with family away in North Carolina and Tennessee, I felt the urge to handle the treatment all on my own.

But two people opened my eyes to accepting help.

One was Cabell Sweeney who spoke at the Young Life leaders weekend retreat at SharpTop Cove in January. Cabell shared how she and her husband Mike had to learn to say yes when people wanted to offer help after Mike was diagnosed with cancer.  Listening to Cabell, I realized it was not a sign of weakness to accept help from others.  So that pride in me saying I could do it all on my own started to lessen its hold.  I had wanted to talk to Cabell that weekend and ask more questions, but ironically some pride still remained and kept me quiet. 

Fortunately God had other plans and I had the chance a few weeks later, back at SharpTop Cove on our weekend retreat with the high school kids.  God kept putting Cabell right in front of me all weekend long and my big old pride wouldn’t let me say anything.  So at the very end of the weekend, as we were cleaning our cabin, I walked in to find her showing our cabin how to properly fold the bunk bed blankets  (don’t ask, it’s a Young Life thingJ).  Yet again I had to laugh at God because he was not going to let me leave that weekend without talking to Cabell and telling her how much her talk helped to open my heart to the service of others.  I was blessed to have that time with her.

The other kick in the pants came from my boss Garry.  He is normally kicking me in the pants for a work related offense, but this time, he humbled me by lecturing me on allowing others to give the gift of service.  He reminded me that God calls us to serve others, and by trying to handle it all on my own, I was denying my friends the opportunity to follow God’s call.  So, in turn he said, I would be giving a gift to others if I allowed them to serve me.  Wow.  What an amazing twist in how to look at service. 

And it made me think, when we serve others Christ looks at it as if we are serving him.  One of my favorite passages is Matthew 25:35-36:

“For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.”

Thanks to all who have loved on me during this time and those who have opened my heart to accepting the love.

God Gives the Unexpected

I was sitting in my car outside the surgeon's office on October 27, 2011. The nurse had just told me I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am not quite sure if my reaction was normal. In fact while in the office, only three thoughts brought me to tears:

1. Will I still be able to go on my mission trip to Cambodia next week?
2. Will this interfere with my going on the Young Life Pioneer Plunge weekend with the Sequoyah High School kids?
3. How will I tell my parents?

Once in my car I did allow myself a 10 minute cry as I called my friend Michele and my sister Denise.
But after that cry, God reminded me of a pray I had been praying for some time. My only reponse was to laugh at him, not a disrespectful laugh, but a laugh of one who realizes they got just what they asked for. You see I had been praying for some time for God to bring something in my life to bring me closer to him. Something that would make me understand better his great love for me, Jesus's love for me. I have never really felt broken. In fact my life I would say has been easy. The hardest struggle would be that while I imagined by myself married and with kids by 28, I am now 43 and never been married. Not an overly traumatic life.
But I felt I needed something to make me more dependent on God. So sitting in my car, I laughed at myself as I realized my prayer had been answered.
I had tons of unanswered questions about his new diagnosis. How large was the cancer? Had it spread? Would I have the genetic markers for breast cancer? Would my breast be spared? Would I need chemotherapy? Would I die from cancer like my friends Karen and Celeste? Being the fourth girl from my law school group of friends to be diagnosed with cancer (three breast cancers), was sobering. Not to mention my uncle had just passed away from cancer. It seemed everytime I turned around I was meeting someone who had been diagnosed. It was like God had been planting in my heart before the diagnosis that cancer is out there, it is a possibility.
So as these thoughts went through my head, God brought to mind one of my favorite verses:
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God that transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)
I have added italics to this verse. Key parts that I focus on, that God has proven true to me over the years. So in my car, I promised God that I would let him worry about all those things. He knew I would get cancer, he knows the end result, he knows what will happen every step of the way. He had planned it out, so I decided to not be anxious but to give my worry over to him (not that he is worried in the least). It is more of an act of obedience on my behalf to say to him that I trust him in this cancer. I trust him to see me through.
Thanksgiving. I thanked God for my cancer and this opportunity to focus on my relationship with him and to trust him fully in all the details. And after that I just laid out all my requests to him. Requests to protect my body, to protect my parents, and my family's hearts during this time.
The amazing thing about God is that he can deliver that peace that transcends all understanding to guard our hearts and our minds if we allow him into our situation, if we can just give it up to him. I am at peace with my diagnosis. That is not from me. I am having fun with my treatments. That is not from me. I found joy in shaving my head. That was not from me. That is all God working through me, loving me, supporting me, keeping me strong. It is nice to know that none of it comes from me.
It is nice to know that God gives what he promises when the unexpected happens.